A Typical GAA Junior B Line up.......
Goalie - must have 'great goalmouth presence'.... which is secret code for
being fat enough to have his own gravitational pull. Always in the 40-50 age
bracket, this is a gent that will almost convince you that he played minor
for the county in goal, even though the last time he got his knees dirty
diving was at a ceili in 1965 when his version of the Hucklebuck went out of
control, with numerous casualties.
Right corner back - the quiet man of the line-up he seems to escape the
jokes in the dressing-room just because no-one has ever seen him angry and
are afraid of hidden depths. Unmarried farmer with severe emotional baggage.
Contact with a woman consists of the handshake at mass on a Sunday morning.
Full back - First started playing football some time in the Pleistocene
Epoch. Nicknamed Sledge like "yer man outta U2". Will get a nose-bleed if he
passes beyond his own 50 yard line. Utterly, utterly useless and yet is a
great hit with the fans. Quite likes the smell of blood.
Left corner back - Has all the footballing skills of a piece of cheese and
yet has been known to disappear up corner-forward's arses for days on end.
An absolute cast-iron guarantee to be made mark the other team's young and
absurdly fast superstar in the making.
Right half back - just out of minor, this boyo is sadly not going to get
anywhere near the senior team... and yet hasn't missed a training session
since early 1989. Selection is basically the manager's way of proving that
he "doesn't give a damn who you are, if you're not down training we're not
going to give you a game".
Centre back - disgruntled former senior player, tried to remove senior
manager at agm and now has about as much chance of playing senior as he does
of playing Hamlet in the Globe. Hasn't been junior training all year and is
still absolutely guaranteed his spot on the team.
Left half back - county u-16 star, great white hope for the entire club.
About 5 foot 4, he is still told to get under the kickouts and 'take the
game to the opposition'... secret code for don't pass it to anyone unless
your life is in serious danger.
midfielder - chronic alcoholic who last scored a point in the late 70s and
yet reckons he is justified in having a go for a point from anywhere inside
the opposition's half. Well-liked character because he always gets his round
in at the post-match piss-up.
midfielder - the full back's older brother, who sports a rather strange
looking bandage on his knee - probably hiding teeth marks or something.
Prone to making strange guttural noises every time he strains himself. Eats
five dinners a day and is a prime suspect for a coronary.
Right half forward - quietly-spoken business-man who hails from the village
but is living in Dublin. Drives a flash motor. Lads who live in the pub in
the town don't know what to make of him "but he was an awful annoying bollox
in national school".
Centre forward - third of the set of brothers that includes the full back
and midfielder. Is the target of all the brother's clearances... ALL of
them. Probably the local A.I. man or something... by the way that's not A.I.
in the Steven Spielberg meaning of the word.
Left half forward - utterly, utterly useless 25 year old who by some fluke
of nature happens to be a deadly accurate free-taker. Tries to avoid open
play altogether as he is far too important to the team to get injured. Is
basically the team's only source of points.
Right corner forward - happily married man who hasn't played football since
he was 12 but has suddenly decided to take up the game again. Natural talent
(like his genitalia) completely and utterly over shadowed by his beer belly.
Guaranteed to bag a goal or two and gain for himself some ridiculous
nickname like "Schillaci" or something.
Full forward - hasn't scored since the end of the war but is captain of the
team and an all-out nut case. The line commonly quoted to excuse his
complete inability to find the target is "he's a good man to bust up the
play." Doesn't feel satisfied unless his jersey is stained in blood... not
his own. Will no doubt be marked by a similar figure playing for the
opposition. Only at junior B will the full-forward and full-back play the
game the exact same way, and could even switch positions with no effect on
how the team plays whatsoever.
Left corner forward - the village thug, who invariably sports an ear ring
and a seriously dodgy haircut. Will be involved with the referee within five
minutes of the throw in. Plays the foreign game with the town five miles
down the road and is hence viewed with suspicion by all and sundry. Has had
a running battle with the aging club secretary who secretly fears for the
virtue of his youngest daughter.
|
GAA quotes
'We're taking this match awful seriously.We're training three times a week now, and some of the boys are off the beer since Tuesday'
- Offaly hurler quote in the week before an All-Ireland final
'Ger Loughnane was fair, he treated us all the same during training-like dogs' -anonymous Clare hurler
'Any chance of an autograph? Its for the wife...she really hates you'
- Tipp fan to Ger Loughnane
'I'm not giving away any secrets like that to Tipp. If I had my way, I wouldn't even tell them the time of the throw-in' - Ger
Loughnane on his controversial selection policy.
'You can't win derbies with donkeys' -Babs Keating before Tipp played cork in 1990
'Sheep in a heap' -Babs Keating description of Offaly in 1998
'Babs keating 'resigned' as coach because of illness and fatigue.The players were sick and tired of him' - Offaly
fan in 1998
'And as for you. You're not even good enough to play for this shower of useless no-hopers' - Former Clare mentor to
one of his subs after a heavy defeat
'Babs keating was arrested in Nenagh for shaking a cigarette machine,but the gardai let him off when he said he only
wanted to borrow twenty players' - Waterford fan after 2002 Munster
final
'They have a forward line that couldn't punch holes in a paper bag' -Pat Spillane on the Cavan football team
'Meath players like to get their retaliation in first' - Cork fan 1988
'Meath make football a colourful game-you get all black and blue'- another Cork fan 1988
'Colin Corkery is deceptive. He is slower than he looks' - Kerry fan
'Life isn't all beer and football...some of us haven't touched a football in months' - Kerry player during league campaign 1980s.
The GAA Virus
The Internet Viruses Council has just issued a warning which should be
taken very seriously concerning viruses which may strike during the
summer months - in Ireland in particular. This group of nasty viruses
are referred to as "GAA computer Viruses" and are named and described as
follows:-
The Meath Virus: Throws you out of Windows.
The Clare Virus: Memory forgets everything before 1995.
The Kilkenny Virus: Guaranteed to hit 5 times on the 11th of September
The Tribesman Virus : Appears and disappears on one Sunday in August.
The Waterford Virus: Not due to strike again for another 40 years.
The Colin Lynch Virus: Boots up some Waterford computers and carries on
as if nothing happened.
The Ger Loughnane Virus 1: Virtually impossible to rid your PC of this
one.
The Mayo Virus Family: Always billed as harmful, but really are nothing
to worry about.
The Mick O'Dwyer Virus: Attempts to install lots of foreign programs to
replace existing slow-running applications.
The Limerick Hurling Virus: Causes problems for 65 minutes then
disappears never to be seen again.
The Babs Keating Virus: Enters a PC, attempts to delete all existing
programs and reformat hard drive; when detected and removed it generates
weekly log files citing errors in bits 8 to 15.
The John Maughan Virus: System crashes in September.
The John Leahy Virus: A particularly lethal virus. Users are advised to
tie down the monitor as a precaution before approaching.
The David Forde Virus: Hasn't been seen since the "Michael Duignan
Virus Killer" was invented.
The Michael Donnellan Virus: Attacks operating system and timekeeper
and then deletes all records of this ever occurring.
The Offaly Virus: Often looked on as a benign irritation but strikes
your OS as you are about to shut down. Often results in the firing of
the General Manager of your PC manufacturer.
Ger Loughnane Virus 2: A continuous whining sound emitted from
speakers, keeps generating data corruption messages, PC blows up but it
won't accept any blame.
The Frankie Dolan Virus: Computer pretends to go down, but then boots
back up and is OK.
The Kieran McDonald Virus: The lights on you PC are all on but nothing
works.
The Rebel Virus: Cheats your PC at vital time, plays outside the rules
every chance it gets.
|
GAA Dictionary
Holly - eg "I gave it holly" - I put a fair bit of effort into it
Bollix - Pat Spillane or any Meath players or supporters
Mighty - very good
Hames - a right shite - eg. "he made a hames of that clearance"
Timber - intimidation of a hurling opponent - eg."show him some timber"!
Lamp - a good thump - eg. "I swung for the sliotar,missed by 3 feet and lamped their fullback"
A Crowd - A gathering of people that watch a match and hope for random acts of violence eg. "that crowd from Meath are a right shower of shites"
Schkelp - To remove living tissue in the absence of surgical procedures eg "That shite from Tipp took a schkelp out of my leg"
Over the lat.....a ball that goes over the crossbar equidistant from both uprights
Pull on the f**king thing......hit the ball along the ground you useless fool, as you wouldn't be able to pick it up if you were there all day....commonly used in Junior C league matches.
Acting the pup....the 5'4" corner forward persisting to throw verbal jibes at the corner back about his fat arse and ugly sister who's riding all round her at the weekends.....the sole intention being to draw a rash welt from the 30yr old no.2 and reduce the enemy to 14 men.
Sicken the f**ker.....the instruction from the manager at half time, on how best it may be to deal with the 18yr old wing forward who's scored 1-6 in the first 30mins......options normally involve the Horse thundering out headlessly from fullback shortly after the restart,
the county minor sprinting through the middle, and as the ball is laid off by the minor a heavy shoulder to the ribs is delivered, about two to five seconds after the ball has gone, after which the former speed merchant's involvement consists of calling for water for the next 10 mins,and then the inevitable substitution for his 36yr old brother Pat Joe,looking for blood.
Shtick him in full forward.....common answer in U12, U14 and U16 games, as a reply to the question, "what will we do with
the Horse's young lad", who will now follow in his father's footsteps as the only one on the U12 team that's 6ft tall and shaves, but couldn't hit a
ball if they placed it in an egg cup in front of him. His purpose : to
rough the
fullback
out
of it,in the hope that the tidy 3' 2" corner
forward will come up
with
the
usual 6-1 of his teams total again.
Finish it out, it's not for me ye're doing
it........the call of the
army
style trainer, being paid #50 a session, in the mud
soaked local
pitch
on
a floodlit February night. This shout normally goes
up as twelve
groaning
and breathless stalwarts, battling for places walk
over the line at
the
end
of 15 laps, with three laps separating first to
last. The 12
normally
breakdown as five from 16-21yrs, five from +29yrs,
the 24yr old
captain
and
one
fella from Offaly, who's turned up for his first
session, with
rumours
abound
of a former intercounty career cut short through
injury, but
subsequently
turns out to be of less use than the Horse. All
players from 21 to
28
are
at
home watching the Champions League semi-final,
after quoting exams
or
cows
calving as an excuse.
Hatchet Man - Mountainy type, uses hunter/gatherer
instincts.
Bullin'- angry - eg "the centre half back was
bullin' after I
lamped
him"
Bull thick- very angry - eg "the centre half back
was bull thick
when
I lamped him again"
Joult - a push - eg "I gave him a joult and he has
to wear a neck
brace for two weeks"
The Comm-a-teeee - Local GAA bullshitters in
general
Bushted - an undefined soreness eg. "Jayz me arm is
bushted"
The Bomber - a very popular nickname for a fat,hairy GAA player
A hang sangwidge - consumed with tay on the sides of roads after matches in Croker or Thurles, usually contains half a pound of
butter.
Rake - A great amount of anything, usually pints of Guinness the night before an important match
Namajaysus - What was that for, referee?
Ya-bollix-ya - Corner back's formal recognition of a score by his opponent
Leh-it-in-ta-fuck-would-ya - Full forward's appeal to a midfielder for a more timely delivery of the pass
Mullocker - untidy or awkward player released for matches
Burst the Bollix - Instruction to tackle your player.
Row - Disagreement involving four or more players
Massive Row - Disagreement involving both teams,
including goalies,
substitutes and supporters jumping fences
Running Row - A massive row that continues out in
the parking area
and or dressing room areas usually resolved by the
Gardai.
A Shamozzle - a group of players shkelpin' one
another but not exactly
hittin' anyone at the same time!
Flakin' - usually goes on for a whole game.....
eg. "Jayz Paul
Cooney
gave Pateen Higgins an awful flakin' below in
Loughrea on Sunday".
To "flake" a lad for a whole game usually starts off
with a bit of the
aforementioned "joshellin'" and "joultin'" and
develops into a bit of
"weltin'" and may even result in a good "lampin'" for
the victim
especially if he gets "bull thick".
|
